I am because we are
Life is fascinating and always comes full circle. I never understood the saying until recently when I came back to San Francisco bay area and as I get ready to go back to SF home after 4 years. Full circle they say.. or maybe it's the circle of life just like in Lion King. I'm a fan of the Disney movie Lion King and the song hakuna matata.
Hakuna matata! What a wonderful phrase!
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It means no worries, for the rest of your days...
It's our problem-free philosophy...
Hakuna matata!
Growing up - there's a lot of conditioning, from who you are to what you do and who you become. The expectations and the anticipations… it can weigh you down..
Each step along the way, you carve your path. Doing the right thing, doing a good thing, doing a kind thing.
I didn't know that in all of that doing, you forget to being. To just be. To set yourself free from those expectations. To learn to embrace the real you, the authentic you. To connect with your soul deep down from the heart.
Resilience
I resisted this word for the past 4 years. When I broke down and I became a no one, I questioned my self worth, the base of my identity and who I am. And I was told be resilient. I remember saying I don't want to be resilient. I want to be fearless.
And now when I look back at the four years, I have a new appreciation for the word resilience. I think of my dad and how much he has shown what resilience means from his heart attack 10 years ago just before his 60th birthday to starting again and building a whole life back in our hometown, Calicut, Kerala in India. I admire his resilience and tenacity to keep going and never give up. This is a very special year for both of us - My 40th birthday next month on May 21 and my dad's 70th birthday in September. I just love how we are connected by the magic number or maybe the 30 year difference rather…
And as I get comfortable with the past 6 months that I have been here back in the SF Bay area, I realized one thing. A lot of who you are and who you become is innate in you. It is your ethos, the core of your existence and no matter how much you are conditioned, you will break free.
I see you
When I read this book, And they lived happily ever after from a South African author, somehow the words in the book were just what I needed to read. Like it opened a new chapter or a hidden page that I just didn't see because I wasn't ready to.
And They Lived Happily Ever After
“I see you, Gaia”“I see all of you, every part. Not only the good, or the bad, but everything. I see the parts you like about yourself and the parts you don’t. And I love them all. I just . . . I love you.”
This book is also a representation of anxiety in the way the author experienced it: as a part of life, not the entirety of it…
And then it struck me, that my anxiety was there all along and I just didn't see it for what it was. Now it's a part of me. And yes it's only a part of me. Anxiety is not me. Just a sliver of the many things that I am.
I was conditioned to do good, be good and be nice and it got the best of me. When someone raises their voice I shut down even if they're not having a conversation with me. Even the proximity or vicinity is enough. That is also a part of me.
Autism
Over the past year I have read books to help me understand why I do what I do and I realize a part of me might be on the spectrum too. I don't think I need an evaluation or diagnosis - that's pretty expensive. As long as I can figure out how to navigate it just like I did with anxiety, I'm good.
Growing up I always struggled with certain materials of clothes and I hate the tags. Always had that itchy, weird feeling and never knew why. Now I wear only cotton clothes. And tagless is preferred. And then I realized there's a whole market out there for clothes that are tag free. I learned this from a dear friend who has an autistic daughter. I guess it is similar to the rule of lowest denomination similar to kosher food that applies for all and exists for those who it is important for.
I struggle with loud noises. Perhaps it has to do with the decibel and the pitch level just like I struggle with loud or raised voices. It's the time of the voice that upsets me. When I met my roommate's dog, an adorable and the sweetest black Labrador Electra, I could see how loud noises startled her too. The only time she barked was the first time I met her and over the past 6 months she has been the most quiet and calm dog that I've ever seen. She has definitely won my heart and her sweetest puppy eyes even though she is 13 years old can melt me. I never thought I could be so connected. I became aware and comfortable in making sure I didn't close the door too abruptly. And apparently she has anxiety too. It was as if she's saying I see you. But surprisingly, I'm comfortable with EDM music perhaps because of a rhythm to the noise perhaps.
At a conference break, I overheard a conversation about decibel.. and googled decibel reader on my phone..
It showed the loudness during the networking break was over 100 decibels.. like in the nightclub.. Loudness meter
No wonder it was not a good environment for me.. I don't do well with loud noises or sounds..
I have social anxiety in groups. I read that this could also be a trait or characteristic that can be misdiagnosed. When I have social engagements, it exhausts me physically and emotionally. But I'm good with one-on-one conversations or a small group - the meaningful kind. Not much of a small talk person. But I can have a deep conversation and talk about the things that I'm personally passionate about - food, travel. I tried organizing a group dinner and I was anxious all the way. From not knowing who will show up to being put on the spot by the restaurant to navigate the payments. Not a good experience. I ended up covering for those who didn't pay or were reluctant to pay. I jumped right into the doing action mode to sort out the payments.
There is a level of focus or flow that I have noticed in the past 4 years from self-publishing six books to photography to mentoring and teaching. Knowing what needs to be done - I'm good at the doing, the action. From anxiety to action is how I conquer my fear. I guess that's what we call a go-getter. I realized my mindful calendar is probably another characteristic. I need to know and plan and be ready to prepare for what's coming at all times. The uncertainty and the unknown are things that I'm still navigating.
I don't drive anymore..it has been 7 years and I am glad I took this step. I have been clumsy growing up and challenged with motor skills and balance. It's a muscle I learnt to flex from the environment and struggled often. Speed is not something I need.. I am good with public transit. This is freedom for me.
I struggled with physically taking care of people.. with my family n my ex.. just a thought of it makes me feel drained. I've realized that is something that I'm not capable of. And this was something that I noticed when I read a book about a story of an autistic woman who struggled when she had to take care of her dad along with her mom and sister. The emotional drain made sense for me on why that has been difficult and I never understood why. When I was helping my niece and nephew for a month, I was exhausted to the bone. Now I can see why. When I see my mom take care of my dad, I feel helpless like I just can't do what she does. I couldn't be there for my ex in the same way. To physically take care of someone is not in me. And I'm okay with that. I've come to accept it perhaps as a flaw or a malfunction. But I'm good at caring for people emotionally without the expectations. I can be fully present and be there for them.
I read about high functioning low maintenance autistic women who can function well in life and society but there are certain aspects that will trip them. And I could see myself as one of them. I truly believe in the energy and there are some environments that I barely survive and suck the life out of me and some that I thrive where I feel supported and truly belong. I haven't driven since 2015 and it has always been a trigger and kept me on the edge. Now it's freedom to not drive and enjoy the views on public transit.
When I met friends who have kids on the spectrum, somehow I connected with those kids as if I was in tune with how they were feeling and as if they saw me too. A bond or connection of understanding. Like they were saying I see you too.
I struggle with the word competition and perhaps a trait as a non violence believer. I just don’t understand why we can’t be in harmony and all have a slice of the pie and we win together. We grow with the market. It comes back to the idea that Simon Sinek shared on a worthy rival in his book - Infinite Game.
I'm sure there are still a lot more things that I'm figuring out on what makes me differently abled. But it's also reminder of what makes me similar to everyone else out there who have their own struggles. The battles we all fight in our own way.. sometimes without the armor. So all I want to say is I see you… I feel you… and I'm here for you… in whatever way I can be. Just as you are for me…
April is Autism awareness month. Let us really listen and feel the shift in each of us. And just be in our own way.
Neurodiversity
Neurodiversity is not just a topic or a discussion… we often think we know who we are until we don't. Until the pieces of the puzzle stop fitting in and we look at it from a 30,000 ft bird’s eye view and realize we were looking at the wrong puzzle. That we didn't have the full picture and we were only working with one-100th of the puzzle.
There are times that I'm acutely aware of certain topics and dates and people are amazed how I remember to wish folks on their birthday even if they are not in my life today on a regular basis. Some memories are etched forever and some friendships and relationships are lasting.
Sometimes I'll remember and sometimes I don't remember something that someone said. And that can be a blessing or a curse. I'm acutely aware of my surroundings and sometimes I can be in a group and be zoned out. If I'm talking about something I'm personally passionate about, I'm all in, but if it is a topic like politics I tune out… I have zero interest in the toxicity and dynamics of society.
When I had my photo exhibit go live, I was excited and thrilled for my first time experience. I wanted to share it with the people around me in the SF Bay area. Folks started to ask “how's it going with your exhibit?” And all I could say is I don't know. Because I haven't heard from all except one. And then I quickly became disappointed because the few folks who shared they will visit haven’t - maybe they were too busy to go see or maybe they weren't interested and it hurt. Like I felt rejected and not supported. Because why make a promise if you can't keep it. Why would you say I'll go check it out and not go. It bothered me, so I'm writing it down so I can get it out of my system.
I understand that life happens and I'm letting it be. That it's okay for people to say something and do the opposite. But somehow that doesn't sit well for me. I know people care but sometimes the actions are louder than the words. It troubles me. I'm grateful for the one coworker who did make an effort to go and share their excitement with me. I am grateful that the library staff said that people enjoyed the exhibit. Not sure if I had set the wrong expectations. And I am still learning to be realistic and maybe not too optimistic… what was I thinking… perhaps I was looking for the support that what I did mattered. Maybe I don't know…
I'm looking forward to the neurodiversity round table at our company by Neurodiversity pathways. It's amazing the work you do and thank you for raising awareness. Much Appreciated.
Honesty
Today I had a proud moment. There were things left unsaid from 2020 that I just let it be. And I was able to share how I felt with an ex colleague. The me before would have just been nice and let the uncomfortable stir within. But I honestly gave feedback that I had mixed feelings meeting her in the group dinner. It felt good to really say how I felt and not just let it sit under the cover as I was really good at doing before. I was done pretending and not let others take my kindness for granted.
And when I shared my journey and coming full circle with a mentee friend I had met over 10 years ago — we bonded over boba tea and our life journeys. When I shared this humbling moment with her and she understood, I felt seen and present.
It's amazing how you can have a conversation for hours with folks that you are connected with at the soul level and there are folks that I can barely have a 5-minute conversation. I'm learning to keep the people that matter in my life and not pretend anymore.
It makes me wonder the world that we live in. Where we spend our time, what we do for a living and our inner circle the people who will always be there for you whether you have a conversation everyday or every other year. And you pick up right where you left off. The beauty of meaningful relationships and connections that we can foster.
I noticed how I hate being a third wheel, somehow I associate groups of three as me being the third wheel unintentionally. It's odd.. happened twice with two of my friends getting together with me in the past few months that I noticed the pattern. Perhaps a feeling of not belonging or insecurity if I am being honest. I tuned out in their conversations and felt alone again.
Gratitude
During festivals, I reach out to my dear friends on LinkedIn or WhatsApp or text messages and I did the same for Vishu. My dear school friend from 20+ years ago who I hadn't met even though we lived in the Bay area for 5+years, invited me for lunch to enjoy the meal and celebrate the festival together with his family.
And it was lovely to catch up and talk about the good old times and our memories of school and college. And to hear about each other stories since then. It felt like time had passed away but as if nothing had changed and we were still the same. Lovely feeling of belonging. Thank you - I appreciate you.
It's also amazing the memories that we remember.
This song helped me through my dark times - Crash and burn by Savage Garden.
When you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one-way street with the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away
And you feel like you can't face the day
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If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
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When you feel all alone and the world has turned its back on you
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I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door
And you feel like you can't take anymore
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If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
To new beginnings
As we welcome the dawn of a new season with spring and summer in the coming months, I will forever cherish the moments that I share with folks, the folks that see me for who I am. Thank you for being a part of my life and for accepting me as I am.
This past week has been turbulent waves - my sleep is off and I finally went back to swim after many days. I guess the song probably sums up how I feel. I'm heading home in 10 days.
Heading home - Alan Walker
https://youtu.be/mfSU_XwEnZA
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Nobody sees me
Now I'm a one man show
I'll do this on my own
We knew it all then
Now this is all I know
Guess I'm heading home now
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Thank you for showing me that I matter. That it's not the title or the job that is my identity. I am part of a bigger whole. That I have a purpose in this life to do meaningful work. And that life is too short to waste it on people that don't care or don't have the time for you. Or only reach out when they need something. I am a giver and always will be. Please don't take my lovingkindness for granted. These past 4 years have been humbling to accept who I am. Mucho gracias mi gente 🤗
Cheers to new, humble beginnings and to finding yourself again!