Seeking an uncharted path to finding peace and freedom from busyness
It has been a rollercoaster and I wasn’t even sure if I could get myself to writing but here we go. Writing is my therapy!
It has been a rollercoaster and I wasn’t even sure if I could get myself to writing but here we go. Writing is my therapy!
Hearing Simone Biles and her keynote on Mental health: Redefining “Me” has given me the courage to take care of myself, ask for help again and not feel ashamed. Taking days off and taking me time is important and I need to remind myself that everyone’s journey is different.
Cheers to taking care of oneself and finding peace in knowing that we are enough. Be the best that we can be and that’s all that matters.
A week ago: Lakefront trail
I had a chance to go to Chicago and I didn’t pay attention to my mental health and it wasn’t as good as it could be. I knew my sleep was getting off schedule with waking up 3–4times again. I was stressed and anxious about all things in life again. I started to doubt my caliber, question my decisions and was worried that I might let people down again.
And then this happened. While walking on the lakefront trail, I blacked out, fell and scarred my face, hand and knees. Luckily a friend was there to help. My stomach got really upset again and I needed to use the restroom right away.
This shook me to the core and even today I am still healing and not sure how to get back up and build my confidence. To be honest, I am not sure how long I can keep going with my anxiety. Even the doctor visit didn’t provide much help other than your vitals look ok and go back to therapy. I am not sure how to help them understand that I am trying to solve the root cause, and not just treat the symptoms.
I wish I knew better. I wish I could see better hope for a less stressful life, but I am not sure if a corporate job is the right option for me. I am stuck in a rut, trying to navigate my personal life’s changes. It’s been more than a year of trying to find my own way but sometimes, I feel just as lost as I did on day one, trying to save myself from the world.
I feel like I am supposed to do something else, but not sure what, when and how. The uncertainty and dilemma gets the worst of us.
At times, I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be with my mentoring and sometimes I am not sure if I can help folks when I am full of doubt.
Hoping the clouds will pass and I can see the rainbow at the end or at least enjoy the dance in the rain.
And I am blessed to have my strength pillars: my family, friends, manager and HR team that is here to help me while I navigate my life’s struggles and it means the world to me knowing that there are people who genuinely care for us as humans.
A month ago: A week at the beach
The beach is my happy place. I cannot tell you how much the ocean waves mean to me. It’s indescribable.
It awakens the soul within me. This is one of my greatest explorations.
I was lucky to be invited to join a group of friends, to stay in a beach house in Outer Banks. I was beyond thrilled and truly amazed how the universe conspires: I don’t drive and can’t believe this really happened.
We are on our own journeys and excited to be a part of each other’s lives at this moment in time.
I’ve never done this in my life. The new 2021 Div says, yes and I’m so glad she did.
The first few days, it took me through a whirl of emotions as clouds and thunder to get my fears and worries out of the way. I was quickly in comparison mode, trying to understand how different I am from all of them, only to realize how similar and unique we all are in our own ways. A lovely group of people, so down to earth and kind. I was able to break through the ice eventually.
Each of us had our own little similarities. As we connected about our pasts and experiences, I felt right at home that we all have our journeys and this was our moment together.
After the first few days of emotional release, I would like to think I was myself again. I was able to be fully present and not really have to think of other things and be over worried.
Whenever I would say something that was worrying me, folks would say that’s a future Div problem.
And I loved that idea and will try to remember this. I don’t need to solve everything today.
My goal for the week was to be unbusy. It helped me process my emotions and do some reading and writing.
And I made some progress. I was able to compile about 50 pages of my book on my experience with stress and anxiety - “A Broken teacup: filling the cracks with mindfulness, compassion and self care”. I’m determined now to complete it in 2021 because this is my year of breakthrough.
It’s interesting to notice the stories that I was telling folks at the beach house from the places I lived from Saudi Arabia to India to the United States and few of us had immigrant stories to share.
I got to try new food experiences like hot pot, horseradish mustard, southern boil with shrimp, corn and kielbasa sausage.
I shared my discovery of berbere spice and I found new spice flavors to add to my kitchen: old bay spice and tajin.
And every day I would go for a long walk in the morning on the beach. Because, this was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be at the beach and I wanted to make the most of it. With my feet in the water, I would walk for at least one hour to get my 5K steps which was key for my mental health.
We even played board games that I had never played before in my life: Flux, a game set about patterns and there was another game called Hanabi that we didn’t get to play but it seemed like a cool collaborative game.
I was worrying for nothing. And I’m so glad that I took a leap of faith.
Now that I’m back in Raleigh, I’m grateful for the opportunity and the good times that I will cherish forever.
I could see how some of my old triggers had popped up in the first few days. I was worried that I was not doing enough. I was worried that I wouldn’t fit in. I was worried that I might hurt somebody.
And once I was able to let it go, days became easier and more welcoming.
A quarter ago: International food festival
An exploration into the world.
This week in August was one of pure joy. One where I felt alive again for the first time in many years.
I was a kid again, ready to discover a whole new world.
And intrigued by everything that came by.
I started a new job. And I could sense my excitement through learning new things.
New challenges, new opportunities.
I was ready to dip my feet into things that I’ve never tried before: I went to a free jazz concert at Moore Square. And the music moved me.
My mentee is part of the human rights campaign and I got a chance to meet her in person for the first time. It was lovely catching up.
Saturday was a good day. Started off with volunteering at the farm stand and then enjoyed the colors and flavors of the international food festival with friends.
From Jamaican to El Salvador to Venezuela to Korean to Indian to African.
It truly was an international food festival, and everyone of the food trucks loved what they did. You could tell by the food and the passion.
It was a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience all the worldly culinary magic in one location.
I was definitely concerned about the crowds and whether I made the right choice of being where I was. But I know that food is center to who I am, and I’m glad I got to experience my happiness with my friends.
And then enjoy each moment and be fully present.
To exploration: New ways of finding happiness
Thank you for being my strength and supporting me in this emotional journey. Much appreciated.
Not every day is going to be bright and sunny. I am going to learn to dance in the rain. To soak up all the rain drops and live life to the fullest.
I will fall down and get right back up again and again. Life is totally worth it.
I don’t need to meet other’s expectations or try to be someone I am not. As a dear friend once said: It’s ok to be not ok.
Sleep is a blessing. I will take a good night sleep any day and hope to find ways to get the negative thoughts, fears, bad dreams and nightmares out of my head.
The only way out is experiencing through the emotions and feelings. Not try to slip it under the rug, but to face it head on and find out what is really troubling the mind and set it free.
And I decided to rewrite the narrative and celebrate happiness.