The Tectonic Plates are Shifting: Asker or Guesser
Are you an asker or guesser?
Are you an asker or guesser?
How would you classify yourself and how would others classify you?
Julia Clavien’s recent mental model discovery on Asker vs Guesser got me thinking about cultural norms and company etiquette.
When I join a company, I learn about the culture outside of the employee handbook and orientation training, by talking to different folks and learning about each other.
When I visit the doctor, I share my health history and anticipate a diagnosis on ways to cope with stress and anxiety. Recently, I realized that if the environment is not conducive, it impacts my well being, sleep and mental health. But the doctor couldn’t help much as my vitals were ok.
This is where the mental model of Asker vs Guesser was spot on. How often do we interpret what is going on vs asking the questions to get clarification on the expectations and work together for outcomes to be successful.
Having been an Indian immigrant, who grew up as a kid in Saudi Arabia and who is now a US citizen, it’s hard to define or follow one’s culture and the norms that are expected. I feel the tectonic plates are shifting — the foundation is not enough to proceed artfully. I heard the concept of third culture kid and find this fascinating, as I believe, most of our generation are born in X, grew up in Y and now live in Z. These experiences clearly shaped who I am and how it influences my decisions everyday. I would rather ask than guess, but it’s so deeply ingrained that it’s going to take effort to make the change.
To speak or not to speak
I definitely grew up as a guesser and I am learning to be an asker, a skill much needed in today’s world to thrive, and not just survive. There are countless times in meetings, where I had an idea or perspective to share, but I couldn’t open my mouth or my voice was too feeble to be heard.
In the asker lens, we should be clear on expectations and results, and not expect the listener to understand.
In the guesser lens, we make assumptions on both sides and hope that the listener understood without any specifics based on prior interactions.
Golden Rule
The golden rule is to conform to the company culture and norms. This is where I often struggle and need to find a space where I belong. I have this conversation playing in my head over and over again that I am not doing enough or I am letting folks down.
The new golden rule is to be true to yourself and whether you are an asker or guesser, we both have a place to belong and one is not better than the other. This is not a comparison or even two sides of a coin.
In organizations, just as we have introverts, extroverts and ambiverts, we need to create space and make time for both askers and guessers. How can we support each other and make sure that everyone feels welcome and right where they need to be.
Esse Quam Videri
Esse Quam Videri, the state motto of North Carolina, is a Latin phrase meaning “to be rather than to seem”.
This seems to be the way forward for all decision making frameworks. Finding a path that meets at the middle of the road and deciding which fork is the next step.
We can all pause, ponder and reflect on the words of the wise and bring forward a new meaning to the journey called life. To be rather than to seem.
In Better than Before, Gretchen Rubin mentions her learnings on the Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Similar concept, there is no right or wrong tendency, but we as humans can be hard on each other for being a questioner, an obliger or a rebel.
In Gretchen’s words, we all face two kinds of expectations:
outer expectations — expectations others place on us, like meeting a work deadline
inner expectations — expectations we place on ourselves, like keeping a New Year’s resolution
Her insight is brilliant. Depending on a person’s response to outer and inner expectations, that person falls into one of four distinct types:
Upholders respond readily to both outer expectations and inner expectations
Questioners question all expectations; they meet an expectation only if they believe it’s justified, and respond only to inner expectations
Obligers respond readily to outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations
Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike
Depending on the situation, I have been there and done that 20% as a questioner, 60% as an obliger and more recently 20% as a rebel. I believe that in our lives, we will take on different tendencies in our lifetime.
To take it further, how about high or low context cultures? How many times leaders have moved on only to realize that we have left the team behind as they lacked the context and intent for the path ahead. How can we take into account the different cultures that shape the upbringing of team members and open doors for cultivating the ask culture and nudge the guessers in the room to feel safe to be an asker. It takes time and effort and at the end, it will be worth it.